Battlefield of the Mind

From the beginning of this journey I've talked about how I have had to shift my thinking. I created a paradigm shift from hating how I look to loving myself as I am. It was life-changing! I felt I had slayed the giant - my mind.

However, I've learned as the months have gone by that while I overcame the dislike of my body, my mind is still actively at battle. I can look in the mirror and say "I love my body", yet when I look at a number on the scale the battle rages! I am astonished at how that number affects me.

I do continue to weigh myself daily. I know there are several schools of thought on that practice, however for me, stepping on the scale daily keeps me accountable to my daily eating behaviors.

Here's the amazing thing about my mind. In a range of just 4-5 pounds, my mind can have a raging battle! Example: at one point I was weighing 196 pounds, the next day 195, the next 196. But then the next day, the scale dropped to 192. You might think that would be cause for rejoicing... but no, the battle raged and immediately I thought something must be wrong with me to lose so much so fast. I spent the entire day thinking "how can that be" (and yes I weighed myself 3 times to check). I worried that maybe my weight loss has been a fairly easy road because some medical condition is making me lose weight. Yet, as quickly as I started having those thoughts, the next day my weight was 195, then the next 196. When I hit 196, I was immediately thinking (again) "I'm never going to lose this weight" and "I'm probably going to be 200 pounds the rest of my life" and "I am failing".... UGH!

Several years ago I did a Bible study with several other women with Joyce Meyers' "Battlefield of the Mind". This study taught me that I am not alone in allowing my thoughts to run rampant. It is a signal to me that I am not letting God be in complete control, and that I am hanging on tightly to anxiety and worry instead of full submission.

So for the last few weeks since this started, I've been asking the Lord to help me avoid the battlefield of thoughts. It has been working. I have asked him to give me the courage to rejoice over weight loss, and to accept any weight gain. I've learned to look at the actual reasons behind weight fluctuations instead of letting my mind take over. The Lord has given me the strength to accept backslides and the ability to rejoice when the numbers go down - thanking HIM for the changes, no matter what they are.

There is one thing I know about myself. Staying away from the battlefield is a daily (sometimes hourly!) process. Each day I must ask God for the strength, for his power to ovecome. Each day is new, and each day I am given all I need from God who loves me - no matter the number on the scale!

So, then what happened?

The rest of the story is what most of you know. I went back to college and graduated. I travelled a bit and worked for awhile. I met a wonderful man to whom I've been married for 20 years. I went back to school early in our marriage and became an RN. We have been blessed with 2 amazing kids and have a beautiful home. And yet, with all that, and although by appearance I seemed fine, something was not right for me - I struggled with depression, anxiety and compulsive overeating over the years.





It was within the last year's time - after 2 years of counseling - that I discovered that the adoption is part of why I eat to bury emotions. Heck, it was in the process of counseling that I discovered that those deeply hidden emotions even existed! I still do not consider my choice a "bad thing" that happened to me. Far from it! The part where I began to bury things is rooted in the fact that it was all veiled in secrecy. Never being able to talk or share about an event of such magnitude was detrimental to me, even though I wasn't aware of it.





As I look back over the last decades, I think my pain began to affect me when my own children came along. I think my "mommy heart" subconsciously realized that having had a child before and allowing them to be adopted was actually painful, something that was deserving of a proper grief time. And yet, in the amazing moments of becoming a parent and being so happy to have my own children, it was automatic to stuff that pain and grief away. After all, I had moved on, I had a wonderful life! (I did, and I still do!)





So in the 16 1/2 years since I became a mom, blessed with 2 amazing children, I have kept an unidentified emotion tucked deep and far away. It started to manifest itself in depression followed shortly after by compulsive overeating. And, it wasn'tuntil I decided that I had had enough with depression and enough with abusing food, that I discovered the pain hidden so far away within my being. I've worked through that pain - from being unaware, to identifying it, to letting my real emotions over the event to surface, to the joy of sharing the "secret" with my children (yes it was a joy - to have a secret from them was destroying me), to hope of one day reuniting with that child, to finding freedom from the pain after 28+ years.



Freedom has given me strength. Freedom has given me hope. Freedom has allowed me to love myself again. Freedom is letting me discover who I am. Freedom is bringing me closer to God. It is such a blessing to be free.



Onward!

A long time coming

It has been awhile since I've posted. It hasn't been writer's block, it has been courage block.




You see, weeks ago as I prayed about my next entry, the Lord asked me to talk about the reasons why I have buried "stuff" with my eating. "What else ya got, Lord?"..... silence. I've spent weeks putting it off, attempting to write about other subjects (nothing comes or it all seems dreadfully empty). And then He reminded me about submission. It isn't on my terms.




Most likely this won't be one post, but a series of posts. I don't know where the Lord will lead me to write or how long it will be. Yet I pray, it will provide you encouragement.




PAIN




Everyone experiences pain. It is a fact of life. Some experience pain more than others. Some have physical pain, others emotional pain. Some have both. Some embrace it when they can, others deny it when they can. Physical pain may be difficult to ignore, emotional pain may be easy to bury.




After many years of battling depression which eventually led to physical pain and my desire to overeat, I was finally able to identify a source of emotional pain. When I tell the story it may seem brutally obvious to the reader, however through denial and a desire to appear "normal" or "OK", I was able to bury the pain, and bury it deep.





I suppose if we could really bury pain on our own, it would just be buried and not influence our life in any way. However, we are not able to bury our pain. Oh, we try to push it aside, ignore it, skirt around it, focus on others worse off than ourselves, etc - but the pain is there. It lingers. It eats away at us. It triggers behaviors and feelings in us that lead to other issues in our life. Issues like compulsive overeating.







I was so able to put my own pain aside that even when God gave me a gift of discerning others' pain, I was not able to identify my own. You may wonder why I call it a "gift" to discern that others are in pain, as that seems very morose. Yet it is a gift - it gives me the opportunity to love others as Christ loves and to hopefully, ultimately help them out of pain. And yet, with that, I was still in denial, still making attempts to not let anyone know (especially myself!) that I had a broken heart in desperate need of healing.




Birth of Buried Pain

(You may want to grab a cup of tea and put your feet up... this could be awhile)

At the age of 17, at the end of my Senior year in High School I became pregnant. It is there that denial began in my life and in this story. I was in complete denial. I really hoped it would just "go away". Yeah, funny thing, it didn't. And while the pregnancy didn't go away, my boyfriend didn't stay. He bolted. He had a new girlfriend (if he were honest I would probably find out that we over-lapped). He wanted nothing to do with me or with the child I was carrying.

Today, 28 years later, and after years of therapy, I can see that this is where I first started to tuck my pain away. Nice and neat - tucked away for no one to see. I was strong and I was determined. And, I was still in major denial. When he bolted I felt completely alone and had no idea how I could possibly tell anyone, let alone my parents. I knew I had disappointed them and hoped for a way out without them ever knowing (yeah, at 17 you really aren't mature no matter what you think).

So I did what any reasonable person would do: I didn't tell them and went off to college as planned. After all, maybe this would all "just go away". I told no one, and I hid my growing tummy.

I remember a moment at college that Fall when it must have finally sunk in that this was very real and happening to me. I sat and sobbed and held my pregnant belly and said to my unborn child "we will get through this together". In that moment I chose to have the child adopted and I had no clue what to do, but in that moment I knew it would be ok. In my wildest dreams I would never have known that "ok" for me would come almost 3 decades later (and, one day at a time at that!).

My parents, who have always let me know I am loved, never expressed the disapointment I felt I deserved. No, instead, they loved me through a very difficult situation. My mom was gentle with me when I spilled the beans, concerned mostly for my health. When she said she was going to the other room to tell my dad, I cried "He is going to kill me!". My dad came into the room, said "I love you" and held me while I sobbed. Immediately they went into action deciding how this would be handled. You see, it was 1981, a time when a pregnant daughter from a "good family" was something to be kept secret. And while this made sense to me from a social norm and from my parent's viewpoint, I see now that this was the next step in burying pain. Just tuck the shame right down there with the pain, and keep up appearances. I don't blame my parents, it is just how this situation was handled in that era.

I was sent from Washington State to live with close friends in Arkansas. The baby was born on March 25, 1981. The events surrounding the birth and relinquishment are very surreal. I was placed in a sleep state and remember nothing of the delivery. I did not see nor hold my baby. I was not told if it was a boy or a girl. The following day, papers were placed before me, I was asked to sign and it was done. I put on a brave face and moved on with my life. It was never talked about again in my family and I was never offered any ongoing emotional support. This, again, is just "how it was done" at that time. Keep it a secret, get it over with, move on and don't speak of it again.

Now, don't get me wrong. My life since that time has been incredibly blessed. I met and married a wonderful man, I have 2 amazing children, a beautiful home and a really cool career. Ten years ago I learned that Jesus wanted a relationship with me, that he died for my sins and I chose to follow him for the rest of my life. But Jesus can only deliver us from that which we acknowledge and confess to him, otherwise we are hanging on to it. That is the case for the pain of my adoption story. I was in so much denial about that pain (to the point where I believed that it wasn't painful!). I buried it so well, that it became invisible even to me - except for the fact that I was compusively eating. Even I did not know why I ate, I just knew I was out of control and felt helpless in this one area of my life. I had periods over the last 15 years or so when I could control my eating for a time, but that was soon followed by eating more and gaining more weight. If stress came my way, so did eating.

More later.....

ONWARD!!!

Border Patrol

An amazing thing happened this weekend. We crossed the border to the Great White North, Canada. The "old me" would have taken this opportunity to overeat. The new me had no desire to overeat. I wanted to shout from the mountaintops!

There were a couple of occasions where there was ample opportunity to make poor eating choices. The first was when we were informed that the small town we were in was famous for their "honey doughnuts". Oh my goodness.... these were regular donuts that were then soaked in honey and then deep fried again. Several of us moms walked to the bakery to get some for the rowers who were rigging all the boats. When we brought them back, other moms were trying them. I wasn't tempted, even then. Then Meg asked if I wanted to try a bite of hers. I said I would take a small morsel. And here's where the amazing thing happened. I put the tiny bit of donut up to my lips and the flavor was so oversweet it was not enjoyable to me - I didn't even eat it! I realized that my weeks of nutritious eating had caused my palate to change - HALLELUIAH!!

The other occasion was when we went to a really amazing restaurant for dinner. In the past I would chose off the menu based on "comfort food" or "really yummy food". This time, however, I evaluated choices based on what I thought their calorie count would be. I searched for the healthiest thing I could find. I chose a Mediteranean pasta dish with grilled chicken, feta cheese, olive oil, Kalamata olives and grape tomatoes. It was DELICIOUS and even though it was more pasta than I've had in awhile, it was a fairly healthy choice.

The outcome? I did not lose any weight over the weekend, but I didn't gain! In the past I could come home from a weekend trip like that and have 5 extra pounds on me! I was overjoyed when I weighed in on Monday morning.

I've been giving a lot of thought to why this weekend didn't derail me. It was clear that my habits had changed, and that my mindset was fixed firmly in making healthy choices. I realized that because I have surrendered all of this to the Lord, that he was my "Border Patrol" in keeping me on track. In asking him to guide me, I am allowing his power to guide me in keeping unhealthy foods out of my body. The Border Patrol is at work in keeping me from overeating, from "thinking" I'm hungry even when I'm not. My passport - the Word of God - is what allows me to travel safely into dangerous territory and return to my safe zone without abusing my body with food.

Thanks be to God!

Onward!

Nutritious is the new Comfort

Started thinking about "Comfort Foods" yesterday. The old me loved my comfort foods - PBJ, grilled cheese, mac&cheese, mashed potatoes, bread of any kind, and my all-time comfort ice cream.

Interesting concept "comfort food". We are readily admitting that food is used to bring us comfort! The crux of my personal battle with food! Certainly in the past if I felt stressed, out of control in some area, or overwhelmed, where did I go - to my comfort foods. Didn't matter if I had been doing really well following some eating plan - the minute I felt I couldn't cope, I ate.

In the last 6 weeks, however, I have discovered that because I surrendered this to God, I am no longer seeking to bury my struggles in food. In fact, quite the opposite has happened. I am dealing with the emotions of stressful situations instead! For example, work has been incredibly stressful and disappointing ever since the school year started. It has gotten to the point where several times I had wished I could just resign. Quitting is not an option and in the past that would have sent me straight to a place where I could "feel better" - food. It hasn't happened. I'm praying more, asking for God's guidance in what is happening at work, and lo and behold I'm working through it without my old crutch.

Even more, I am discovering that putting nutritious, healthy foods into my body brings me far more comfort than those not-so-healthy foods ever did! "Comfort food" is really an oxymoron. Sure it brings you a moment of feeling comforted, but it leads to overwhelming guilt and shame. Now when I reach for something healthy, I realize that in that moment I am doing good not just for my physical self, but for my emotional self as well. To God be the Glory!

Now, don't get me wrong. Those former friends, my comfort foods, still sound yummy. And there may be times when I chose to have some - but now it is just for the sake of eating something I like - not for burying reality under a layer of fat.

I pray this is an encouragement to you.

Onward!

Control is an illusion

I read this somewhere in the last week "Control is an illusion". I couldn't agree more.

The Bible states: "The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness and self-control". For years I have looked at this list of virtues as a checklist:

• love - yep, got it, I love people so much
• joy - roger that, I am pretty joyful
• peace - well, I struggle, but if I press in to Jesus I have it
• patience - hmmm sometimes I think I have this
• kindness - I love being kind to others
• goodness - check, I strive to choose good things in life
• gentleness - I'm a gentle person! (to others)
• faithfulness - I love Jesus and choose to follow him
• self-control - {crickets chirping in background}

Self-control. Yeah, that's the one I'd think "Well, if that just wasn't on the list I'd be doing really well!". After all I have done a pretty good job on all the others - 8 out of 9 is good, right? Self-control eluded me. In fact there were times it didn't make sense that it was in that list. All the others seemed so logical to me as I followed Jesus, but self-control... really?

And then the guilt would set in. I would be out of control with eating time and time again. Each time I would think "I just stink at self-control, what's the use of even trying". It became a vicious cycle of over-eating, deep guilt, eating some more to assuage the guilt, and then feeling more guilty. Oh sure, I knew that if I live in Christ I should feel no guilt! Oh sure, I would "lay it at his feet" over and over again.... only to pick it back up. I had convinced myself that I would never have self-control.

On the course of this journey, however, the Lord has revealed to me so much more about the scripture from Galatians. Here it is again:

"The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness and self-control". ~Galatians 5:22

Once I made the choice to SURRENDER back in August, the Lord has brought this scripture to me over and over. And on one of those times I had an "AHA!" moment - one of those times when something you've heard a million times suddenly takes on new meaning. Are you ready for this? Really, ready?

IT IS NOT ABOUT ME!!!!! I know, shocking! I think when I finally got that this scripture was NOT ABOUT me, Jesus God and the Holy Spirit high-fived each other! SHE CAN BE TAUGHT!

Here's the deal. It says "fruit of the Spirit". Not "fruit of Ann taking control of her life and then having these things". Fruit of the Spirit. The HOLY Spirit! NOT ME! What does this mean - to finally see this God's way? It means self-control isn't control created by me for me and under my own "self" power. It means power given to my BY the Holy Spirit - WHEN I SURRENDER - that causes me to control myself. Not under my own volition - not because I try harder - not because "I think I can", not because I really want to, not because of anything but GOD.

And, after I had pondered this for a bit - in quite a bit of shock that it took me so long to "get it" - I realized that my mental inventory of the other 8 fruits of the Spirit was way off, too! I knew I needed to take a new look at the entire verse - not as things that I do, or things that I strive for, but fruits of my Surrender to the Lord.

LOVE: here I was thinking "yeah, I got this one down - I love people". But guess what? As I said in a previous post - I didn't love myself. I wasn't allowing the Spirit to give me this fruit because of self-disgust over my weight. Now in surrender I am able to love others and myself. I think this is more what God has in mind.

JOY: I expressed joy to others, but because of depression I did not live in joy. What a dichotomy! As the fog of depression lifts, I am finding joy in loving the Lord - not for the sake of anything other than pure love for him and his restoration power.

PEACE: As long as I felt "out of control" or unworthy of love, I had no peace. I felt peaceful in certain situations, and lived as a peace-keeper, but I did not know the peace that passses understanding when it came to my life. I'm starting to feel that peace that comes as a fruit of the Spirit. A calmness in the depths of my sould that I can't explain - other than it started when I surrendered.

PATIENCE: My old mantra: "I want to give up overeating RIGHT NOW" - and the minute I ate something that caused guilt - I considered myself a failure. My new mantra: "One day at a Time, surrendered to God". I don't know what tomorrow brings, but I know that in this moment I am patient in knowing that God knows.

KINDNESS: Again, kind to others, but cruel to myself. I'm learning to love me and I'm finding myself being so much more kind to myself. That self-critical "voice" seems to be muted. And when it pops up I'm able to turn to the truths of God and it is muted again.

GOODNESS: Followed the Spirit's leading on removing things from my life not pleasing to God... EXCEPT overeating and abusing my body with food. God doesn't stop working on us - we are continually being refined. Partial obedience is disobedience in God's eye's - I was fooling myself to think he would overlook an area of something not pleasing to him.

GENTLENESS: I have been told I have such a gentle nature. Sure, that was true, except for my own self-talk. I was brutal to myself.

FAITHFULNESS: Oh I *thought* I was exhibiting faithfulness. But God revealed to me that I was turning from my faith in not surrendering an area of my life that kept me from him. It is my faith that brought me to the truth, that led me to reveal my weakeness publicly. In my weakness, he is strong and to him be the glory!

SELF-CONTROL: I like to think of it as "Spirit-Control". One day at a time, friends, one day at a time.

ONWARD!

Instrument Rating

On our drive to school this morning, Meg asked "Mom how do planes fly in fog like this?" It was very thick around the lake - from our side we couldn't see the homes on the other side. I explained that some pilots take extra training and receive an Instrument Rating allowing them to fly their plane using the instruments only.

She asked how that works, and as I was explaining, I realized that the fog and the image of flying by instruments is a lot like my journey with my health. Basically, when everything is going well in life, and I don't have weight issues it is like flying on a sunny day. I cruise along, checking familiar landmarks to get my bearings, soaring above any troubles. But when the fog of life settles in and I can't find my way, I have to rely on my instruments - the power of the Holy Spirit!

In the last year as I struggled with escalating weight, compulsive overeating and the depression that ensued, I was feeling that fog start to envelope me. It kept me from seeing God's love for me, eventually leading to self-hatred of my body. It was a viscious cycle - the heavier I became the more I felt like I was flying in a fog - but without instruments.

On that day last month when I asked for the Lord's help and made my journey public, I received my Instrument Rating! I received the tools I needed to navigate through being overwhelmed by my weight issues - the power and guidance of the Holy Spirit. He showed me how to surrender, to love my body, and to trust him. I turn to my "instruments" at least daily (sometimes minute-to-minute) to make sure I continue to fly through the fog.

The best news: the fog is lifting! I've trusted the Lord, relied on Him and each day seems easier than the one before. I do still get caught off guard by unexpected pockets of thick fog - this weekend for instance, Dave made cookies for the rowing club. I didn't have the desire to eat one, but on one pass through the kitchen I almost reached for one! I realized that my grazing habit was rearing its ugly head. Unlike so many years past, however, I immediately recognized the impulse to unconsciously reach for the cookie and didn't take one! Victory! Safe Landing with Instruments!

Onward!

Number update

This morning the scale read 204! That's 12 pounds down since that fateful 216# day!

I give God all the glory, there is no way I could have done it myself.

All things are possible through Christ!

That FULL feeling

I've noticed an interesting phenomena this week. I am recognizing when I am full much sooner. I've been curious about it: is it because I'm controlling my portions so less is the new more? have I re-trained my body to sense fullness at a smaller amount of food? is it because I have put mindless eating in my past and think about every morsel I put in my mouth? is it a hormonal change of some sort?

Whatever the cause, I'm amazed by it. I've never experienced a sense of fullness while still eating. My entire life I can only remember eating until all food gone and then moments later feeling overfull.

Then I started pondering the idea of "fullness" in relation to my life in Christ. I've chosen to surrender this to God, I've chosen to ask for his guidance on this journey, and I've chosen to give him all the Glory. Is it possible that this full feeling is a spiritual thing? Is it possible that I've worked to be closer to God, and in becoming closer I am more aware of signals my body gives me because I'm filling myself with him instead of food? Could it be?


And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. ~Ephesians 3:17-19

I see it in this scripture. I surrendered to Christ. In doing so, I better grasp his love for me. Understanding his love for me, helps me to love myself (my body). Loving my body (even though my head knowledge tells me otherwise) leads me to be filled with the fullness of God!

And when I'm full of God, I lose the desire to fill myself with food.

Thank you, Lord!! Praise you!!

Onward!

Unexpected triggers

In taking this journey there have been many things that have been easy to identify as triggers for my eating (stress, fatigue, etc). As I have set out to make lifestyle changes, I knew there would be foods or events that would trigger old habits. What I wasn't expecting were things that triggered old ways of thinking - emotional triggers that cause negative thoughts and feelings to resurface.

It happened today. I ran into someone I had not seen in at least a year. Upon seeing her, I noticed that she had lost quite a bit of weight. While I felt no ill toward her, I instantly felt self-conscious about my own weight. My recent changes of loving my body were suddenly transformed back to square one with thoughts of how much I hate how I look right now. I didn't catch myself right away - for probably 10 minutes or more I wallowed in this!!

Thankfully, though, because I've asked the Lord to guide me, after those 10 minutes I suddenly realized where my thoughts, emotions and feelings were going and said "STOP!". I immediately started reminding myself that I do indeed LOVE my body and that I am taking steps to demonstrate that love by making these life changes.

This whole thing truly caught me off guard. I know very well the feeling of tripping over old habits related to eating or ignoring the need to exercise - but steering clear of triggers to the emotional side was quite new. I'm thankful for it - I've spen the evening asking the Lord to help me identify the traps sooner and to help me continue to love my body.

Sigh..... this sure isn't an easy journey - at least not all the time!

One nice victory to report, however :-) .... tonight we had a rowing meeting and there was a Costco cake being served. For the first time (probably in my life!) I had no desire to eat any - AND I had no struggle to avoid it. Normally the entire meeting would have been filled with internal dialoge of "I'm not going to have any" followed by devouring a piece after all. VICTORY! Praise Jesus!

Onward!

Not under the tyranny of food

Amazing things are happening as I surrender. Asking for God's help in overcoming food addiction is resulting in far more than I ever could have imagined. My prayer was to simply come out of the bondage I have been in for so many years, and to live a healthier life as a result.

I'm praying daily - sometimes numerous times each day - for God to help me love my body, to guide me closer to him, and to help me surrender it all to him. Inititally what I began to see was all directly related to food/eating and my desire for increased activity.

Now, however, I'm starting to see a wonderful side-effect! When I surrender and food loses its power over me, other areas of my life seem easier and more real and more enjoyable. I realized this today when I decided to start tidying up the house. Normally I would quickly tire (physically) and get discouraged with "so much to do". Today it was so different - I did not feel overwhelmed by what needed to be done, I didn't get tired physically, and I felt no discouragement whatsoever! AND I had no desire to overeat or to mindlessly eat - I stayed on track food wise the entire day (normally housework leads me to "graze" continually).

I love this feeling of victory and the surprise added benefits. Isn't that just like God? Giving us far more than we ask when we pray. I am in awe of him. And I give him all the glory for everything happening to me!

Onward!

Lifetime

I made "Lifetime" in Weight Watchers back in 1997. Lifetime means you have reached your goal weight and then maintained it for 6 weeks straight. From then on, you are Lifetime and can attend a meeting for free as long as you stay within 2 pounds of your goal weight. Let's just say I don't qualify for free meetings.

I think the new Lifetime for me is the way I'm doing it now. I'm not focusing on the scale, I'm not following some wacky diet, I'm not obsessing with pounds and scales and weighing food and couting calories. Sure, the weight won't come off as quickly as if I were paying $12 a week for someone else to weigh me, but I'm willing to bet it will stay off longer. Besides, my goal weight when I was 33 and had a hyperactive thyroid is a whole lot different now that I'm almost 47 and have no thyroid to speak of... that's just reality, folks.

I do still strive for some great habits Weight Watchers taught me: eating in moderation, don't exclude all your faves or you'll crave them, drink lots and lots of water, exercise is good, etc. But this time it all boils down to one word: SURRENDER.

I surrender my weight to the Lord. I surrender my efforts to the Lord. I surrender my frustration over what the scale says (or doesn't say) to the Lord. I surrender hating my body to the Lord.

I surrender! Here's the white flag, God, cuz I can't do it! Only God can give me the power to overcome the deep seated emotions that lead me to overeating and underactivity. Only God can heal me of the past hurt that makes me to want to stuff things down with food. I surrender!

Challenges, challenges....

We spent the weekend over on Lopez and I discovered that going there is one of my DANGER! zones. I found myself battling the "vacation mentality". You know, the old "we're on vacation, so who cares about nutrition" mindset? Yep, I've always had that. Didn't realize how subliminal it was for me when we went over just for the weekend. I'm happy to say I fought it off quite well.

I stayed on track and didn't go overboard at all - even when faced with the yummy pumpkin bars Meg and Dave made on Saturday evening. They were "healthy" in that they were made to be low fat, etc, however I could have easily eaten 4 or 5 of them in the old days (you know, 3 weeks ago). I allowed myself to have one small piece the night they made them, one on Sunday and one this morning with my breakfast (we had a healthy breakfast buffet for our guests). Oh, it could have been way worse, they were so yummy, but I asked for the strength to eat them in moderation. A victory for sure!

Another of my challenges is B.R.E.A.D. Yikes I love the stuff! And there seemed to be a lot of it around - we had some, then our guests brought some - it was everywhere. I know this is one of my addictions in food, so I focused a lot on alternatives and cutting back from my usual intake. I think I did really well. When we had pulled pork sandwiches I only had half of a bun, and when we had garlic bread I only had 2 small slices. For me that isn't just victory, its a miracle! Take that food - you don't have the same hold on me anymore!!

Got the old bod moving each day, too. We walk a lot when we are there - on beaches and trails - but often it is very casual, easy walking. I made sure to speed things up here and there to get my heart rate up more than usual. (Hopefully that helps to burn off those pumpkin bars!!)

We shall see what the scale says tomorrow. Things were moving in a good direction last time I stepped on. I'm praying my hard work is really starting show in the numbers game.

Onward!

An amazing thing happens when you shift your paradigm

I love my body.

I love my body.

I love my body!

I could not even dream of those words just a month ago. But an amazing thing has happened as I started to shift my thinking from "I hate being fat", "I hate my body" to cherishing the gift of the body I have been given by God.

When I hated my body, I had no reason to take good care of it! Truly it is like a "DUH!" moment for me. No wonder all these years I have mistreated it.

For the last couple of weeks, however, I've been asking God to help me love my body. I have grown to really realize that my body is a gift. That it is the only one I have, and that it is the only vessel I have been given to walk on this Earth to share God's love.

I've been praying a prayer continually "Lord help me to love my body as you do". It is amazing how this has changed my life! I still don't have control - not over food, not over my body, heck, not even over my life! Yet, because I am choosing to see through God's eyes - through His perspective - I no longer even WANT to put something in my body that would cause it harm. Over the weeks I've noticed that my appetite no longer controls me. I've noticed that I don't crave junk food. I've noticed that when faced with "what can I eat?" it is because I am truly hungry AND my choices are always healthy ones (fresh fruit, veggies for snacks). And on occasion, when something has "sounded good" - I am able to evaluate that choice based on whether it would nourish my body or not (and more often than not I chooose something else).

I have never gotten to this point before. And I know this is truly a "One day at a time" thing for the rest of my life. I'm still just at the beginning of my journey, but I journey with the Lord by my side. I surrender all to Him and it is good.

Onward!

The way God works

God amazes me. Sometime in the past, I'm not even sure when, I picked up a book at my favorite bookstore (Goodwill, of course) called "The Prayer Diet". Don't remember doing it, don't remember thinking about it, and it landed in my stack of books.





Well, when I was struggling recently, God brought the book to my attention. I was pondering my next step in this journey, looked down and there before me was "The Prayer Diet".





That's the way God works. Truly it was his doing to place this book in my hands at the right time, and then in my line of sight at an even better time. I picked it up and have been slowly reading it over the last week.





One of the first things that hit me to the core was the author talking of a paradigm shift of seeing excess weight not as a problem, but as a blessing. To ask God to teach me to love my body, not hate "being fat". At first I thought, "how can I see this as a blessing after years of being frustrated and hating being overweight?". But I tried. And read some more and tried some more. The author talked of how we learn best during trials and upon hindsight we often see such trials as blessings. He offers that we can look at this trial (of being overweight) as a blessing because it will bring us closer and closer to God. Exactly what I have been praying about in taking this journey!!





So with that, I offer what I believe is a wonderful "before" photo. At first glance I wanted to hate the image I see, but in shifting my thinking to God's way of thinking - I now see the opportunity to come closer to God because of the blessing of being overweight.

I'm reading now about using daily prayer as a guide toward becoming healthier through weight loss. More later.

Onward!

Ouch!

Ever notice that when God works on you it is sometimes ever so slightly painful? I've had an interesting couple of days since my discouragement post. I kept wanting to come here and post, but God kept whispering in my ear "just talk to me". I realized that I am needing to spend time with him first and then write here - not the other way around. So I put the brakes on a few times and just let him work a few things out with me.

One word that kept coming up since yesterday was surrender. Surrender. I surrender. I surrender all. Kept hearing it over and over. I can do anything under the sun to try to be healthier and lose weight - but until I truly surrender it all to him, until I lay it at the foot of the cross and not pick it up, then I will continue to be discouraged and frustrated. And what is the "it" I am surrendering? My life. My vain desires to "look better" or "be smaller", etc, and to submit to God's Holy desires for me - offering my body as a sacrifice to him in order for it to be a temple of his sprit, giving up my desires for what tastes good or is easy to prepare and choose nutritious foods, to prioritize my time better in order to exercise my body the way he designed it. Taking the focus off ME and putting it on God and God alone.

Easier said than done, but I am trying. And it is no coincidence that I am currently reading a book called "Crazy Love". My sweet friend Amy recommended it, and she and I along with another friend are reading/studying together with the book.

I was going to post some of my notes from reading the book... but exhaustion has set in and that will have to wait until tomorrow.

Until then.... onward!

Incredulous

I had an unbelievable disappointment this morning. I stepped on the scale thinking "I've done so well - I've worked so hard - I can't wait to see the number". I stood, staring down at the LED screen as it pulsed zeros across as it read my weight. Up pops 216.0. Nooooooooooooooooooooooo!

That can't be right. I've worked, I've tried, I've hoped. Step back on, it has to be an error.

216.0. The highest my weight has ever been. Tears. Frustration. More tears.

God is definitely working on me this morning. I am going to press in to him, seek him, pray more and I will post again later today. I refuse to let discouragement and disappointment derail my hopes,dreams and vision for being a more healthy weight. After all, God gives me COURAGE and HOPE, the other emotions are not of him.

More later.

Onward!

Shaker Hymn

Tis the gift to be simple

Tis the gift to be free

Tis the gift to come down

Where we ought to be

And when we find ourselves

In the place just right,

'Twill be in the valley

Of love and delight

When true simplicity is gained

To bow and to bend

We shan't be ashamed

To turn, turn will be our delight

Til by turning, turning we come round right

~Shaker Hymn 1848

I came across this hymn today and thought about how I've been aiming for simplicity in our home life. Life is so complex that anything I can to to make things more simple, the better. As I read the above hymn, I felt that God was saying even my quest toward a healthier life can (and should) be simple.

"Tis a gift to come down where we ought to be".... to turn back to God is a gift. To turn from sinful behavior is a gift. That is what I am doing - turning from ignoring the fact that my body is a temple of the Holy Spirit. Turning from eating for pleasure (or to stuff pain down) to eating to nourish and strenghten my body. In turning from these things I will indeed "come down where I ought to be" - out of self-indulgence and into honoring God.

The hymn goes on to say "to turn, turn will be our delight". I believe this to be true - that when we change our life to follow God's will, turning from sin becomes a delight not a chore. Right now I have to think about my every action in turning from past bad habits - my prayer is as I turn, turn, turn it will become a delight to do so. That life will be delightful not because of fun food or goodies that I can eat, but because I'm doing it God's way instead.

So as I strive for simplicity in all this, I've decided to focus on just one habit change for awhile. I'm starting out my journey by focusing on increasing my daily activity. I am making sure that I have at least one physical activity each day (a walk after dinner, vigorous yard work) and that I get to the gym at least 3 times per week.

Today I definitely got the vigorous yard work in! We felled several trees yesterday and had huge piles of brush to chip/shred. I was sorting through all the brush and using the loppers to chop it down to size for the guys to put it into the chipper. Lots and lots of pulling, tugging, clipping big branches, etc. We worked out there for almost 2 hours today. In the past I would have just "supervised" the guys :-) and it felt good to be part of the work.

And, speaking of work, this is my first full week starting tomorrow. I'm sad to see summer come to an end, and yet I know the structure of a normal daily routine will help me to create some new habits. More tomorrow...

Onward!

26.2 miles

You may be wondering why I haven't yet talked of weight progress or what I've been eating. Well, I was wondering that too. I was meditating this morning, and I realized that I am looking at this like becoming a marathon runner. No one (well that I have ever heard of) can just decide to run 26.2 miles, tie on their shoes and go out and run 26.2 miles without extensive, intense training. I'm looking at these first few weeks as part of my training to be a "marathoner" for the rest of my life.



I do know that those elite few who are marathoners rarely stop running. It gets in their blood. Sure, over time they may not run full marathons, but they never stop running. I want this journey to be like that for me. I want to go through extensive, intense training to become a marathoner of good health. I want it to get in my blood. I want to never give up on habits that I create over the next 52 weeks. I've already given thought to the fact that at any given time I have 52 weeks ahead of me - I pray I continue this blog all the days of my life. I pray it becomes such a part of me that I never want to turn back to my old ways.



What does that mean for today? It means I'm just starting out - just feeling the waters. If I stick with the marathon analogy - I'm just shopping for shoes! I didn't know what God wanted of me when I listened to his call to do this - I just knew I wanted to be obedient to the call. So during this first week I'm shopping around, checking things out, pondering what it all means. Sure there might be an awesome looking pair of running shoes on the shelf that would make me look cool - but it doesn't mean those are the right shoes for me. Its that way with making life changes - seeking transformation - what works for some might not work for others.



I can't change overnight. I can't wake up tomorrow and run 26.2 miles. I also can't instantly have good habits just because I want them! Sure, I want them - I have a vision in mind of what life might look like in 51.5 weeks, just as a runner can visualize crossing the finish line of their first marathon. This is going to take time - not just the 52 week goal - time to get ready, time to have the proper equipment, time to get advice from those who have gone before (God primarily!), time to get a feel for what works for me, time to adjust to a new outlook and lifestyle.



Several of you have asked "Can I join you on your journey?" The answer is YES!! I wasn't expecting that... but God is so good and knows me and my love of fellowship with others. I believe he is calling those of you who are interested. I don't know what that looks like, but for now I would encourage anyone wanting to join to read the blog daily and post a comment each day. For now I think that would work, don't you! Reading the comments gives me energy and courage to keep putting one foot in front of the other, I'm grateful for each of you who want to come along for the ride!



Back to marathons - brainstorming on what I need to start training:

• resources (books, health professionals, recipes, information, etc)


• equipment (my Bible, my body!, healthy food, exercise equipment, etc)


• support (God, family, friends, etc)


• courage (continued willingness to take each day and give it my best)

Any other ideas on that analogy? I'd love to hear them!

My plan today - prayer, walking, and making good food choices. I also need to bring my husband up to speed (he never opens his FB, so isn't aware of my blog).

Onward!

PS: no photos today - we're on island and my weak connection gets upset if I try to upload! :-)

W1D3

Shout out to my friend K.T. who offered these wonderful words for me last evening:

So I just wanted to be an encouragement that it can be done. “I can do everything through him who gives me strength.” I know that God is bigger than a friends tumor, another friend’s rough marriage and everything else. How did I not know that he was bigger than the pounds I needed to lose (or the habits I needed to change.) Slow and steady seems to be the way to make a lifelong change and the little choices do add up. 1-2 lbs a week over the spring/ summer have added up to nearly 30 pounds lighter for me. This still amazes me!

And from A.P.:

Ann, you CAN do this! My sister recently lost 80 pounds. It is life changing. She said, one day at a time, one choice at a time.

I'm finding myself excited about the future instead of combining my thoughts with "If only I weren't so heavy". For years I realized I've held back, not lived up to my potential/what God wants me to do, because I feel the weight has made me someone I am not. As I ponder all of this, I am already starting to feel myself come out - the real me - the one I've hidden because I'm embarrassed about my weight. Even my closest friends probably don't know the whole me, because I've buried me under excuses and denial for so long.

But as K.T. says above, God is bigger than all that! He is bigger than health issues and emotional issues and everything that gets in the way of taking good care of myself and being me. The Word says that our bodies are the Temple of the Holy Spirit. I know that intellectually, but for many years I have not lived as though I believe it. Just for today I am living and treating my body as that temple, in an effort to honor and glorify the God who created me. The God who loves me. I'm doing this for him out of obedience to his call.

Week 1, Day 2

It is amazing what public proclamation does for staying on track! As painful as it was to step out yesterday, it was worth it in exchange for motivation.

For me, the road to transformation begins with focusing on changing habits. Areas I want to change:

• impulsive eating (you know, grabbing something to nosh on without even thinking about it)


• too much Diet Coke (the little pick-me-up that really weighs me down)


• not enough physical activity (every excuse in the book)


• unhealthy choices (see above)


• impatience (what? the weight doesn't fall off? Then I might as well eat a donut)


• perfectionism (I'm a recovering perfectionist - it rears its ugly head from time to time)


• focus on me instead of God (never works)

I was amazed to read my devotional yesterday, God always meets me right where I am. The scripture was Proverbs 3:12 "For whome the Lord loves, He corrects". In this devotional he taught me: "Self-discipline is the mark of maturity. If you don't have control of yourself in a certain area, you are undisciplined. In that area you are not mature. If you want to be a mature Christian, then you must be disciplined. If you want to be free to truly enjoy your life, you must face the truth. You cannot be free if you make excuses for any area of weakness that God has pointed out to you. Everyone has weaknesses: give thanks to God if you discover one of yours today, and trust Him to be strong in that area on your behalf. "

My weakness: self-control/discipline. Thank God for my weakness, for in it God is strong!

I did not do some things today that prior to making this public I probably would have done:

• I did not drink Diet Coke, even though I was at work where that is a habit. I even heard the librarian across the hallway crack open a can of pop and didn't give in! Instead, I chose water and unsweetened iced tea.


• I did not buy a frozen yogurt at Costco. Oh, I wanted to, but I imagined confessing that here and that was enough to have self-control and walk away. Even my shopping was different - bringing home only healthy whole foods/fruits instead of Costco yummy treats.

I thank God for his strength in avoiding those pitfalls. On my own I would have given in, but I've committed this effort to him and to his glory.

Onward!

First step is the hardest

I hate photos of myself. I don't hate myself, just photos. Some would argue that it means I hate myself, but I disagree. I'm really ok with who I am, have a fairly intact self-esteem, its just photos of me that seem foreign. I never thought I'd be heavy. I come from a long line of naturally fit and thin women. Most of my adult life I never had to think about my weight. It never fluctuated more than 10 pounds in any direction. As recently as 13 years ago my mother was concerned that I was "too thin".


And yet, here I am today at 213 pounds on my 5'7" frame. A far cry from "too thin" and definitely not where I want to be. Hard to even type the number and see it on the screen.





I've spent a decade declaring that my weight is because of my thyroid disease. Certainly my thyroid (lack thereof actually) contributes to changes in my metabolism, but if I am going to be real here I have to confess that my weight is due to overeating and underactivity.






I'm stepping out here today because I want to change. It is not just about losing weight. It is about losing the hold food has on me and gaining the motivation to increase my activity. It is about proving to myself and others that I can overcome anything - through Christ and His love for me. I cannot do it without Him, for I can do nothing without Jesus. He is my strength. All glory goes to Him.


God's word says: "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me". I know those words are true, and yet I am living in defeat over weight gain - living as though I don't really believe it. I feel God calling me to live out those words, to draw on His strength to overcome. This blog is about making the decision to find that strength, to live out His word and to allow Him to transform my life.


Will you join me on this journey?