- love - yep, got it, I love people so much
- joy - roger that, I am pretty joyful
- peace - well, I struggle, but if I press in to Jesus I have it
- patience - hmmm sometimes I think I have this
- kindness - I love being kind to others
- goodness - check, I strive to choose good things in life
- gentleness - I'm a gentle person! (to others)
- faithfulness - I love Jesus and choose to follow him
- self-control - {crickets chirping in background}
Self-control. Yeah, that's the one I'd think "Well, if that just wasn't on the list I'd be doing really well!". After all I have done a pretty good job on all the others - 8 out of 9 is good, right? Self-control eluded me. In fact there were times it didn't make sense that it was in that list. All the others seemed so logical to me as I followed Jesus, but self-control... really?
And then the guilt would set in. I would be out of control with eating time and time again. Each time I would think "I just stink at self-control, what's the use of even trying". It became a vicious cycle of over-eating, deep guilt, eating some more to assuage the guilt, and then feeling more guilty. Oh sure, I knew that if I live in Christ I should feel no guilt! Oh sure, I would "lay it at his feet" over and over again.... only to pick it back up. I had convinced myself that I would never have self-control.
On the course of this journey, however, the Lord has revealed to me so much more about the scripture from Galatians. Here it is again:
"The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness and self-control". ~Galatians 5:22
Once I made the choice to SURRENDER back in August, the Lord has brought this scripture to me over and over. And on one of those times I had an "AHA!" moment - one of those times when something you've heard a million times suddenly takes on new meaning. Are you ready for this? Really, ready?
IT IS NOT ABOUT ME!!!!! I know, shocking! I think when I finally got that this scripture was NOT ABOUT me, Jesus God and the Holy Spirit high-fived each other! SHE CAN BE TAUGHT!
Here's the deal. It says "fruit of the Spirit". Not "fruit of Ann taking control of her life and then having these things". Fruit of the Spirit. The HOLY Spirit! NOT ME! What does this mean - to finally see this God's way? It means self-control isn't control created by me for me and under my own "self" power. It means power given to my BY the Holy Spirit - WHEN I SURRENDER - that causes me to control myself. Not under my own volition - not because I try harder - not because "I think I can", not because I really want to, not because of anything but GOD.
And, after I had pondered this for a bit - in quite a bit of shock that it took me so long to "get it" - I realized that my mental inventory of the other 8 fruits of the Spirit was way off, too! I knew I needed to take a new look at the entire verse - not as things that I do, or things that I strive for, but fruits of my Surrender to the Lord.
LOVE: here I was thinking "yeah, I got this one down - I love people". But guess what? As I said in a previous post - I didn't love myself. I wasn't allowing the Spirit to give me this fruit because of self-disgust over my weight. Now in surrender I am able to love others and myself. I think this is more what God has in mind.
JOY: I expressed joy to others, but because of depression I did not live in joy. What a dichotomy! As the fog of depression lifts, I am finding joy in loving the Lord - not for the sake of anything other than pure love for him and his restoration power.
PEACE: As long as I felt "out of control" or unworthy of love, I had no peace. I felt peaceful in certain situations, and lived as a peace-keeper, but I did not know the peace that passses understanding when it came to my life. I'm starting to feel that peace that comes as a fruit of the Spirit. A calmness in the depths of my sould that I can't explain - other than it started when I surrendered.
PATIENCE: My old mantra: "I want to give up overeating RIGHT NOW" - and the minute I ate something that caused guilt - I considered myself a failure. My new mantra: "One day at a Time, surrendered to God". I don't know what tomorrow brings, but I know that in this moment I am patient in knowing that God knows.
KINDNESS: Again, kind to others, but cruel to myself. I'm learning to love me and I'm finding myself being so much more kind to myself. That self-critical "voice" seems to be muted. And when it pops up I'm able to turn to the truths of God and it is muted again.
GOODNESS: Followed the Spirit's leading on removing things from my life not pleasing to God... EXCEPT overeating and abusing my body with food. God doesn't stop working on us - we are continually being refined. Partial obedience is disobedience in God's eye's - I was fooling myself to think he would overlook an area of something not pleasing to him.
GENTLENESS: I have been told I have such a gentle nature. Sure, that was true, except for my own self-talk. I was brutal to myself.
FAITHFULNESS: Oh I *thought* I was exhibiting faithfulness. But God revealed to me that I was turning from my faith in not surrendering an area of my life that kept me from him. It is my faith that brought me to the truth, that led me to reveal my weakeness publicly. In my weakness, he is strong and to him be the glory!
SELF-CONTROL: I like to think of it as "Spirit-Control". One day at a time, friends, one day at a time.
ONWARD!
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