Nutritious is the new Comfort

Started thinking about "Comfort Foods" yesterday. The old me loved my comfort foods - PBJ, grilled cheese, mac&cheese, mashed potatoes, bread of any kind, and my all-time comfort ice cream.

Interesting concept "comfort food". We are readily admitting that food is used to bring us comfort! The crux of my personal battle with food! Certainly in the past if I felt stressed, out of control in some area, or overwhelmed, where did I go - to my comfort foods. Didn't matter if I had been doing really well following some eating plan - the minute I felt I couldn't cope, I ate.

In the last 6 weeks, however, I have discovered that because I surrendered this to God, I am no longer seeking to bury my struggles in food. In fact, quite the opposite has happened. I am dealing with the emotions of stressful situations instead! For example, work has been incredibly stressful and disappointing ever since the school year started. It has gotten to the point where several times I had wished I could just resign. Quitting is not an option and in the past that would have sent me straight to a place where I could "feel better" - food. It hasn't happened. I'm praying more, asking for God's guidance in what is happening at work, and lo and behold I'm working through it without my old crutch.

Even more, I am discovering that putting nutritious, healthy foods into my body brings me far more comfort than those not-so-healthy foods ever did! "Comfort food" is really an oxymoron. Sure it brings you a moment of feeling comforted, but it leads to overwhelming guilt and shame. Now when I reach for something healthy, I realize that in that moment I am doing good not just for my physical self, but for my emotional self as well. To God be the Glory!

Now, don't get me wrong. Those former friends, my comfort foods, still sound yummy. And there may be times when I chose to have some - but now it is just for the sake of eating something I like - not for burying reality under a layer of fat.

I pray this is an encouragement to you.

Onward!

Control is an illusion

I read this somewhere in the last week "Control is an illusion". I couldn't agree more.

The Bible states: "The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness and self-control". For years I have looked at this list of virtues as a checklist:

• love - yep, got it, I love people so much
• joy - roger that, I am pretty joyful
• peace - well, I struggle, but if I press in to Jesus I have it
• patience - hmmm sometimes I think I have this
• kindness - I love being kind to others
• goodness - check, I strive to choose good things in life
• gentleness - I'm a gentle person! (to others)
• faithfulness - I love Jesus and choose to follow him
• self-control - {crickets chirping in background}

Self-control. Yeah, that's the one I'd think "Well, if that just wasn't on the list I'd be doing really well!". After all I have done a pretty good job on all the others - 8 out of 9 is good, right? Self-control eluded me. In fact there were times it didn't make sense that it was in that list. All the others seemed so logical to me as I followed Jesus, but self-control... really?

And then the guilt would set in. I would be out of control with eating time and time again. Each time I would think "I just stink at self-control, what's the use of even trying". It became a vicious cycle of over-eating, deep guilt, eating some more to assuage the guilt, and then feeling more guilty. Oh sure, I knew that if I live in Christ I should feel no guilt! Oh sure, I would "lay it at his feet" over and over again.... only to pick it back up. I had convinced myself that I would never have self-control.

On the course of this journey, however, the Lord has revealed to me so much more about the scripture from Galatians. Here it is again:

"The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness and self-control". ~Galatians 5:22

Once I made the choice to SURRENDER back in August, the Lord has brought this scripture to me over and over. And on one of those times I had an "AHA!" moment - one of those times when something you've heard a million times suddenly takes on new meaning. Are you ready for this? Really, ready?

IT IS NOT ABOUT ME!!!!! I know, shocking! I think when I finally got that this scripture was NOT ABOUT me, Jesus God and the Holy Spirit high-fived each other! SHE CAN BE TAUGHT!

Here's the deal. It says "fruit of the Spirit". Not "fruit of Ann taking control of her life and then having these things". Fruit of the Spirit. The HOLY Spirit! NOT ME! What does this mean - to finally see this God's way? It means self-control isn't control created by me for me and under my own "self" power. It means power given to my BY the Holy Spirit - WHEN I SURRENDER - that causes me to control myself. Not under my own volition - not because I try harder - not because "I think I can", not because I really want to, not because of anything but GOD.

And, after I had pondered this for a bit - in quite a bit of shock that it took me so long to "get it" - I realized that my mental inventory of the other 8 fruits of the Spirit was way off, too! I knew I needed to take a new look at the entire verse - not as things that I do, or things that I strive for, but fruits of my Surrender to the Lord.

LOVE: here I was thinking "yeah, I got this one down - I love people". But guess what? As I said in a previous post - I didn't love myself. I wasn't allowing the Spirit to give me this fruit because of self-disgust over my weight. Now in surrender I am able to love others and myself. I think this is more what God has in mind.

JOY: I expressed joy to others, but because of depression I did not live in joy. What a dichotomy! As the fog of depression lifts, I am finding joy in loving the Lord - not for the sake of anything other than pure love for him and his restoration power.

PEACE: As long as I felt "out of control" or unworthy of love, I had no peace. I felt peaceful in certain situations, and lived as a peace-keeper, but I did not know the peace that passses understanding when it came to my life. I'm starting to feel that peace that comes as a fruit of the Spirit. A calmness in the depths of my sould that I can't explain - other than it started when I surrendered.

PATIENCE: My old mantra: "I want to give up overeating RIGHT NOW" - and the minute I ate something that caused guilt - I considered myself a failure. My new mantra: "One day at a Time, surrendered to God". I don't know what tomorrow brings, but I know that in this moment I am patient in knowing that God knows.

KINDNESS: Again, kind to others, but cruel to myself. I'm learning to love me and I'm finding myself being so much more kind to myself. That self-critical "voice" seems to be muted. And when it pops up I'm able to turn to the truths of God and it is muted again.

GOODNESS: Followed the Spirit's leading on removing things from my life not pleasing to God... EXCEPT overeating and abusing my body with food. God doesn't stop working on us - we are continually being refined. Partial obedience is disobedience in God's eye's - I was fooling myself to think he would overlook an area of something not pleasing to him.

GENTLENESS: I have been told I have such a gentle nature. Sure, that was true, except for my own self-talk. I was brutal to myself.

FAITHFULNESS: Oh I *thought* I was exhibiting faithfulness. But God revealed to me that I was turning from my faith in not surrendering an area of my life that kept me from him. It is my faith that brought me to the truth, that led me to reveal my weakeness publicly. In my weakness, he is strong and to him be the glory!

SELF-CONTROL: I like to think of it as "Spirit-Control". One day at a time, friends, one day at a time.

ONWARD!

Instrument Rating

On our drive to school this morning, Meg asked "Mom how do planes fly in fog like this?" It was very thick around the lake - from our side we couldn't see the homes on the other side. I explained that some pilots take extra training and receive an Instrument Rating allowing them to fly their plane using the instruments only.

She asked how that works, and as I was explaining, I realized that the fog and the image of flying by instruments is a lot like my journey with my health. Basically, when everything is going well in life, and I don't have weight issues it is like flying on a sunny day. I cruise along, checking familiar landmarks to get my bearings, soaring above any troubles. But when the fog of life settles in and I can't find my way, I have to rely on my instruments - the power of the Holy Spirit!

In the last year as I struggled with escalating weight, compulsive overeating and the depression that ensued, I was feeling that fog start to envelope me. It kept me from seeing God's love for me, eventually leading to self-hatred of my body. It was a viscious cycle - the heavier I became the more I felt like I was flying in a fog - but without instruments.

On that day last month when I asked for the Lord's help and made my journey public, I received my Instrument Rating! I received the tools I needed to navigate through being overwhelmed by my weight issues - the power and guidance of the Holy Spirit. He showed me how to surrender, to love my body, and to trust him. I turn to my "instruments" at least daily (sometimes minute-to-minute) to make sure I continue to fly through the fog.

The best news: the fog is lifting! I've trusted the Lord, relied on Him and each day seems easier than the one before. I do still get caught off guard by unexpected pockets of thick fog - this weekend for instance, Dave made cookies for the rowing club. I didn't have the desire to eat one, but on one pass through the kitchen I almost reached for one! I realized that my grazing habit was rearing its ugly head. Unlike so many years past, however, I immediately recognized the impulse to unconsciously reach for the cookie and didn't take one! Victory! Safe Landing with Instruments!

Onward!

Number update

This morning the scale read 204! That's 12 pounds down since that fateful 216# day!

I give God all the glory, there is no way I could have done it myself.

All things are possible through Christ!

That FULL feeling

I've noticed an interesting phenomena this week. I am recognizing when I am full much sooner. I've been curious about it: is it because I'm controlling my portions so less is the new more? have I re-trained my body to sense fullness at a smaller amount of food? is it because I have put mindless eating in my past and think about every morsel I put in my mouth? is it a hormonal change of some sort?

Whatever the cause, I'm amazed by it. I've never experienced a sense of fullness while still eating. My entire life I can only remember eating until all food gone and then moments later feeling overfull.

Then I started pondering the idea of "fullness" in relation to my life in Christ. I've chosen to surrender this to God, I've chosen to ask for his guidance on this journey, and I've chosen to give him all the Glory. Is it possible that this full feeling is a spiritual thing? Is it possible that I've worked to be closer to God, and in becoming closer I am more aware of signals my body gives me because I'm filling myself with him instead of food? Could it be?


And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. ~Ephesians 3:17-19

I see it in this scripture. I surrendered to Christ. In doing so, I better grasp his love for me. Understanding his love for me, helps me to love myself (my body). Loving my body (even though my head knowledge tells me otherwise) leads me to be filled with the fullness of God!

And when I'm full of God, I lose the desire to fill myself with food.

Thank you, Lord!! Praise you!!

Onward!

Unexpected triggers

In taking this journey there have been many things that have been easy to identify as triggers for my eating (stress, fatigue, etc). As I have set out to make lifestyle changes, I knew there would be foods or events that would trigger old habits. What I wasn't expecting were things that triggered old ways of thinking - emotional triggers that cause negative thoughts and feelings to resurface.

It happened today. I ran into someone I had not seen in at least a year. Upon seeing her, I noticed that she had lost quite a bit of weight. While I felt no ill toward her, I instantly felt self-conscious about my own weight. My recent changes of loving my body were suddenly transformed back to square one with thoughts of how much I hate how I look right now. I didn't catch myself right away - for probably 10 minutes or more I wallowed in this!!

Thankfully, though, because I've asked the Lord to guide me, after those 10 minutes I suddenly realized where my thoughts, emotions and feelings were going and said "STOP!". I immediately started reminding myself that I do indeed LOVE my body and that I am taking steps to demonstrate that love by making these life changes.

This whole thing truly caught me off guard. I know very well the feeling of tripping over old habits related to eating or ignoring the need to exercise - but steering clear of triggers to the emotional side was quite new. I'm thankful for it - I've spen the evening asking the Lord to help me identify the traps sooner and to help me continue to love my body.

Sigh..... this sure isn't an easy journey - at least not all the time!

One nice victory to report, however :-) .... tonight we had a rowing meeting and there was a Costco cake being served. For the first time (probably in my life!) I had no desire to eat any - AND I had no struggle to avoid it. Normally the entire meeting would have been filled with internal dialoge of "I'm not going to have any" followed by devouring a piece after all. VICTORY! Praise Jesus!

Onward!

Not under the tyranny of food

Amazing things are happening as I surrender. Asking for God's help in overcoming food addiction is resulting in far more than I ever could have imagined. My prayer was to simply come out of the bondage I have been in for so many years, and to live a healthier life as a result.

I'm praying daily - sometimes numerous times each day - for God to help me love my body, to guide me closer to him, and to help me surrender it all to him. Inititally what I began to see was all directly related to food/eating and my desire for increased activity.

Now, however, I'm starting to see a wonderful side-effect! When I surrender and food loses its power over me, other areas of my life seem easier and more real and more enjoyable. I realized this today when I decided to start tidying up the house. Normally I would quickly tire (physically) and get discouraged with "so much to do". Today it was so different - I did not feel overwhelmed by what needed to be done, I didn't get tired physically, and I felt no discouragement whatsoever! AND I had no desire to overeat or to mindlessly eat - I stayed on track food wise the entire day (normally housework leads me to "graze" continually).

I love this feeling of victory and the surprise added benefits. Isn't that just like God? Giving us far more than we ask when we pray. I am in awe of him. And I give him all the glory for everything happening to me!

Onward!

Lifetime

I made "Lifetime" in Weight Watchers back in 1997. Lifetime means you have reached your goal weight and then maintained it for 6 weeks straight. From then on, you are Lifetime and can attend a meeting for free as long as you stay within 2 pounds of your goal weight. Let's just say I don't qualify for free meetings.

I think the new Lifetime for me is the way I'm doing it now. I'm not focusing on the scale, I'm not following some wacky diet, I'm not obsessing with pounds and scales and weighing food and couting calories. Sure, the weight won't come off as quickly as if I were paying $12 a week for someone else to weigh me, but I'm willing to bet it will stay off longer. Besides, my goal weight when I was 33 and had a hyperactive thyroid is a whole lot different now that I'm almost 47 and have no thyroid to speak of... that's just reality, folks.

I do still strive for some great habits Weight Watchers taught me: eating in moderation, don't exclude all your faves or you'll crave them, drink lots and lots of water, exercise is good, etc. But this time it all boils down to one word: SURRENDER.

I surrender my weight to the Lord. I surrender my efforts to the Lord. I surrender my frustration over what the scale says (or doesn't say) to the Lord. I surrender hating my body to the Lord.

I surrender! Here's the white flag, God, cuz I can't do it! Only God can give me the power to overcome the deep seated emotions that lead me to overeating and underactivity. Only God can heal me of the past hurt that makes me to want to stuff things down with food. I surrender!

Challenges, challenges....

We spent the weekend over on Lopez and I discovered that going there is one of my DANGER! zones. I found myself battling the "vacation mentality". You know, the old "we're on vacation, so who cares about nutrition" mindset? Yep, I've always had that. Didn't realize how subliminal it was for me when we went over just for the weekend. I'm happy to say I fought it off quite well.

I stayed on track and didn't go overboard at all - even when faced with the yummy pumpkin bars Meg and Dave made on Saturday evening. They were "healthy" in that they were made to be low fat, etc, however I could have easily eaten 4 or 5 of them in the old days (you know, 3 weeks ago). I allowed myself to have one small piece the night they made them, one on Sunday and one this morning with my breakfast (we had a healthy breakfast buffet for our guests). Oh, it could have been way worse, they were so yummy, but I asked for the strength to eat them in moderation. A victory for sure!

Another of my challenges is B.R.E.A.D. Yikes I love the stuff! And there seemed to be a lot of it around - we had some, then our guests brought some - it was everywhere. I know this is one of my addictions in food, so I focused a lot on alternatives and cutting back from my usual intake. I think I did really well. When we had pulled pork sandwiches I only had half of a bun, and when we had garlic bread I only had 2 small slices. For me that isn't just victory, its a miracle! Take that food - you don't have the same hold on me anymore!!

Got the old bod moving each day, too. We walk a lot when we are there - on beaches and trails - but often it is very casual, easy walking. I made sure to speed things up here and there to get my heart rate up more than usual. (Hopefully that helps to burn off those pumpkin bars!!)

We shall see what the scale says tomorrow. Things were moving in a good direction last time I stepped on. I'm praying my hard work is really starting show in the numbers game.

Onward!

An amazing thing happens when you shift your paradigm

I love my body.

I love my body.

I love my body!

I could not even dream of those words just a month ago. But an amazing thing has happened as I started to shift my thinking from "I hate being fat", "I hate my body" to cherishing the gift of the body I have been given by God.

When I hated my body, I had no reason to take good care of it! Truly it is like a "DUH!" moment for me. No wonder all these years I have mistreated it.

For the last couple of weeks, however, I've been asking God to help me love my body. I have grown to really realize that my body is a gift. That it is the only one I have, and that it is the only vessel I have been given to walk on this Earth to share God's love.

I've been praying a prayer continually "Lord help me to love my body as you do". It is amazing how this has changed my life! I still don't have control - not over food, not over my body, heck, not even over my life! Yet, because I am choosing to see through God's eyes - through His perspective - I no longer even WANT to put something in my body that would cause it harm. Over the weeks I've noticed that my appetite no longer controls me. I've noticed that I don't crave junk food. I've noticed that when faced with "what can I eat?" it is because I am truly hungry AND my choices are always healthy ones (fresh fruit, veggies for snacks). And on occasion, when something has "sounded good" - I am able to evaluate that choice based on whether it would nourish my body or not (and more often than not I chooose something else).

I have never gotten to this point before. And I know this is truly a "One day at a time" thing for the rest of my life. I'm still just at the beginning of my journey, but I journey with the Lord by my side. I surrender all to Him and it is good.

Onward!