So, then what happened?

The rest of the story is what most of you know. I went back to college and graduated. I travelled a bit and worked for awhile. I met a wonderful man to whom I've been married for 20 years. I went back to school early in our marriage and became an RN. We have been blessed with 2 amazing kids and have a beautiful home. And yet, with all that, and although by appearance I seemed fine, something was not right for me - I struggled with depression, anxiety and compulsive overeating over the years.





It was within the last year's time - after 2 years of counseling - that I discovered that the adoption is part of why I eat to bury emotions. Heck, it was in the process of counseling that I discovered that those deeply hidden emotions even existed! I still do not consider my choice a "bad thing" that happened to me. Far from it! The part where I began to bury things is rooted in the fact that it was all veiled in secrecy. Never being able to talk or share about an event of such magnitude was detrimental to me, even though I wasn't aware of it.





As I look back over the last decades, I think my pain began to affect me when my own children came along. I think my "mommy heart" subconsciously realized that having had a child before and allowing them to be adopted was actually painful, something that was deserving of a proper grief time. And yet, in the amazing moments of becoming a parent and being so happy to have my own children, it was automatic to stuff that pain and grief away. After all, I had moved on, I had a wonderful life! (I did, and I still do!)





So in the 16 1/2 years since I became a mom, blessed with 2 amazing children, I have kept an unidentified emotion tucked deep and far away. It started to manifest itself in depression followed shortly after by compulsive overeating. And, it wasn'tuntil I decided that I had had enough with depression and enough with abusing food, that I discovered the pain hidden so far away within my being. I've worked through that pain - from being unaware, to identifying it, to letting my real emotions over the event to surface, to the joy of sharing the "secret" with my children (yes it was a joy - to have a secret from them was destroying me), to hope of one day reuniting with that child, to finding freedom from the pain after 28+ years.



Freedom has given me strength. Freedom has given me hope. Freedom has allowed me to love myself again. Freedom is letting me discover who I am. Freedom is bringing me closer to God. It is such a blessing to be free.



Onward!

A long time coming

It has been awhile since I've posted. It hasn't been writer's block, it has been courage block.




You see, weeks ago as I prayed about my next entry, the Lord asked me to talk about the reasons why I have buried "stuff" with my eating. "What else ya got, Lord?"..... silence. I've spent weeks putting it off, attempting to write about other subjects (nothing comes or it all seems dreadfully empty). And then He reminded me about submission. It isn't on my terms.




Most likely this won't be one post, but a series of posts. I don't know where the Lord will lead me to write or how long it will be. Yet I pray, it will provide you encouragement.




PAIN




Everyone experiences pain. It is a fact of life. Some experience pain more than others. Some have physical pain, others emotional pain. Some have both. Some embrace it when they can, others deny it when they can. Physical pain may be difficult to ignore, emotional pain may be easy to bury.




After many years of battling depression which eventually led to physical pain and my desire to overeat, I was finally able to identify a source of emotional pain. When I tell the story it may seem brutally obvious to the reader, however through denial and a desire to appear "normal" or "OK", I was able to bury the pain, and bury it deep.





I suppose if we could really bury pain on our own, it would just be buried and not influence our life in any way. However, we are not able to bury our pain. Oh, we try to push it aside, ignore it, skirt around it, focus on others worse off than ourselves, etc - but the pain is there. It lingers. It eats away at us. It triggers behaviors and feelings in us that lead to other issues in our life. Issues like compulsive overeating.







I was so able to put my own pain aside that even when God gave me a gift of discerning others' pain, I was not able to identify my own. You may wonder why I call it a "gift" to discern that others are in pain, as that seems very morose. Yet it is a gift - it gives me the opportunity to love others as Christ loves and to hopefully, ultimately help them out of pain. And yet, with that, I was still in denial, still making attempts to not let anyone know (especially myself!) that I had a broken heart in desperate need of healing.




Birth of Buried Pain

(You may want to grab a cup of tea and put your feet up... this could be awhile)

At the age of 17, at the end of my Senior year in High School I became pregnant. It is there that denial began in my life and in this story. I was in complete denial. I really hoped it would just "go away". Yeah, funny thing, it didn't. And while the pregnancy didn't go away, my boyfriend didn't stay. He bolted. He had a new girlfriend (if he were honest I would probably find out that we over-lapped). He wanted nothing to do with me or with the child I was carrying.

Today, 28 years later, and after years of therapy, I can see that this is where I first started to tuck my pain away. Nice and neat - tucked away for no one to see. I was strong and I was determined. And, I was still in major denial. When he bolted I felt completely alone and had no idea how I could possibly tell anyone, let alone my parents. I knew I had disappointed them and hoped for a way out without them ever knowing (yeah, at 17 you really aren't mature no matter what you think).

So I did what any reasonable person would do: I didn't tell them and went off to college as planned. After all, maybe this would all "just go away". I told no one, and I hid my growing tummy.

I remember a moment at college that Fall when it must have finally sunk in that this was very real and happening to me. I sat and sobbed and held my pregnant belly and said to my unborn child "we will get through this together". In that moment I chose to have the child adopted and I had no clue what to do, but in that moment I knew it would be ok. In my wildest dreams I would never have known that "ok" for me would come almost 3 decades later (and, one day at a time at that!).

My parents, who have always let me know I am loved, never expressed the disapointment I felt I deserved. No, instead, they loved me through a very difficult situation. My mom was gentle with me when I spilled the beans, concerned mostly for my health. When she said she was going to the other room to tell my dad, I cried "He is going to kill me!". My dad came into the room, said "I love you" and held me while I sobbed. Immediately they went into action deciding how this would be handled. You see, it was 1981, a time when a pregnant daughter from a "good family" was something to be kept secret. And while this made sense to me from a social norm and from my parent's viewpoint, I see now that this was the next step in burying pain. Just tuck the shame right down there with the pain, and keep up appearances. I don't blame my parents, it is just how this situation was handled in that era.

I was sent from Washington State to live with close friends in Arkansas. The baby was born on March 25, 1981. The events surrounding the birth and relinquishment are very surreal. I was placed in a sleep state and remember nothing of the delivery. I did not see nor hold my baby. I was not told if it was a boy or a girl. The following day, papers were placed before me, I was asked to sign and it was done. I put on a brave face and moved on with my life. It was never talked about again in my family and I was never offered any ongoing emotional support. This, again, is just "how it was done" at that time. Keep it a secret, get it over with, move on and don't speak of it again.

Now, don't get me wrong. My life since that time has been incredibly blessed. I met and married a wonderful man, I have 2 amazing children, a beautiful home and a really cool career. Ten years ago I learned that Jesus wanted a relationship with me, that he died for my sins and I chose to follow him for the rest of my life. But Jesus can only deliver us from that which we acknowledge and confess to him, otherwise we are hanging on to it. That is the case for the pain of my adoption story. I was in so much denial about that pain (to the point where I believed that it wasn't painful!). I buried it so well, that it became invisible even to me - except for the fact that I was compusively eating. Even I did not know why I ate, I just knew I was out of control and felt helpless in this one area of my life. I had periods over the last 15 years or so when I could control my eating for a time, but that was soon followed by eating more and gaining more weight. If stress came my way, so did eating.

More later.....

ONWARD!!!

Border Patrol

An amazing thing happened this weekend. We crossed the border to the Great White North, Canada. The "old me" would have taken this opportunity to overeat. The new me had no desire to overeat. I wanted to shout from the mountaintops!

There were a couple of occasions where there was ample opportunity to make poor eating choices. The first was when we were informed that the small town we were in was famous for their "honey doughnuts". Oh my goodness.... these were regular donuts that were then soaked in honey and then deep fried again. Several of us moms walked to the bakery to get some for the rowers who were rigging all the boats. When we brought them back, other moms were trying them. I wasn't tempted, even then. Then Meg asked if I wanted to try a bite of hers. I said I would take a small morsel. And here's where the amazing thing happened. I put the tiny bit of donut up to my lips and the flavor was so oversweet it was not enjoyable to me - I didn't even eat it! I realized that my weeks of nutritious eating had caused my palate to change - HALLELUIAH!!

The other occasion was when we went to a really amazing restaurant for dinner. In the past I would chose off the menu based on "comfort food" or "really yummy food". This time, however, I evaluated choices based on what I thought their calorie count would be. I searched for the healthiest thing I could find. I chose a Mediteranean pasta dish with grilled chicken, feta cheese, olive oil, Kalamata olives and grape tomatoes. It was DELICIOUS and even though it was more pasta than I've had in awhile, it was a fairly healthy choice.

The outcome? I did not lose any weight over the weekend, but I didn't gain! In the past I could come home from a weekend trip like that and have 5 extra pounds on me! I was overjoyed when I weighed in on Monday morning.

I've been giving a lot of thought to why this weekend didn't derail me. It was clear that my habits had changed, and that my mindset was fixed firmly in making healthy choices. I realized that because I have surrendered all of this to the Lord, that he was my "Border Patrol" in keeping me on track. In asking him to guide me, I am allowing his power to guide me in keeping unhealthy foods out of my body. The Border Patrol is at work in keeping me from overeating, from "thinking" I'm hungry even when I'm not. My passport - the Word of God - is what allows me to travel safely into dangerous territory and return to my safe zone without abusing my body with food.

Thanks be to God!

Onward!

Nutritious is the new Comfort

Started thinking about "Comfort Foods" yesterday. The old me loved my comfort foods - PBJ, grilled cheese, mac&cheese, mashed potatoes, bread of any kind, and my all-time comfort ice cream.

Interesting concept "comfort food". We are readily admitting that food is used to bring us comfort! The crux of my personal battle with food! Certainly in the past if I felt stressed, out of control in some area, or overwhelmed, where did I go - to my comfort foods. Didn't matter if I had been doing really well following some eating plan - the minute I felt I couldn't cope, I ate.

In the last 6 weeks, however, I have discovered that because I surrendered this to God, I am no longer seeking to bury my struggles in food. In fact, quite the opposite has happened. I am dealing with the emotions of stressful situations instead! For example, work has been incredibly stressful and disappointing ever since the school year started. It has gotten to the point where several times I had wished I could just resign. Quitting is not an option and in the past that would have sent me straight to a place where I could "feel better" - food. It hasn't happened. I'm praying more, asking for God's guidance in what is happening at work, and lo and behold I'm working through it without my old crutch.

Even more, I am discovering that putting nutritious, healthy foods into my body brings me far more comfort than those not-so-healthy foods ever did! "Comfort food" is really an oxymoron. Sure it brings you a moment of feeling comforted, but it leads to overwhelming guilt and shame. Now when I reach for something healthy, I realize that in that moment I am doing good not just for my physical self, but for my emotional self as well. To God be the Glory!

Now, don't get me wrong. Those former friends, my comfort foods, still sound yummy. And there may be times when I chose to have some - but now it is just for the sake of eating something I like - not for burying reality under a layer of fat.

I pray this is an encouragement to you.

Onward!

Control is an illusion

I read this somewhere in the last week "Control is an illusion". I couldn't agree more.

The Bible states: "The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness and self-control". For years I have looked at this list of virtues as a checklist:

• love - yep, got it, I love people so much
• joy - roger that, I am pretty joyful
• peace - well, I struggle, but if I press in to Jesus I have it
• patience - hmmm sometimes I think I have this
• kindness - I love being kind to others
• goodness - check, I strive to choose good things in life
• gentleness - I'm a gentle person! (to others)
• faithfulness - I love Jesus and choose to follow him
• self-control - {crickets chirping in background}

Self-control. Yeah, that's the one I'd think "Well, if that just wasn't on the list I'd be doing really well!". After all I have done a pretty good job on all the others - 8 out of 9 is good, right? Self-control eluded me. In fact there were times it didn't make sense that it was in that list. All the others seemed so logical to me as I followed Jesus, but self-control... really?

And then the guilt would set in. I would be out of control with eating time and time again. Each time I would think "I just stink at self-control, what's the use of even trying". It became a vicious cycle of over-eating, deep guilt, eating some more to assuage the guilt, and then feeling more guilty. Oh sure, I knew that if I live in Christ I should feel no guilt! Oh sure, I would "lay it at his feet" over and over again.... only to pick it back up. I had convinced myself that I would never have self-control.

On the course of this journey, however, the Lord has revealed to me so much more about the scripture from Galatians. Here it is again:

"The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness and self-control". ~Galatians 5:22

Once I made the choice to SURRENDER back in August, the Lord has brought this scripture to me over and over. And on one of those times I had an "AHA!" moment - one of those times when something you've heard a million times suddenly takes on new meaning. Are you ready for this? Really, ready?

IT IS NOT ABOUT ME!!!!! I know, shocking! I think when I finally got that this scripture was NOT ABOUT me, Jesus God and the Holy Spirit high-fived each other! SHE CAN BE TAUGHT!

Here's the deal. It says "fruit of the Spirit". Not "fruit of Ann taking control of her life and then having these things". Fruit of the Spirit. The HOLY Spirit! NOT ME! What does this mean - to finally see this God's way? It means self-control isn't control created by me for me and under my own "self" power. It means power given to my BY the Holy Spirit - WHEN I SURRENDER - that causes me to control myself. Not under my own volition - not because I try harder - not because "I think I can", not because I really want to, not because of anything but GOD.

And, after I had pondered this for a bit - in quite a bit of shock that it took me so long to "get it" - I realized that my mental inventory of the other 8 fruits of the Spirit was way off, too! I knew I needed to take a new look at the entire verse - not as things that I do, or things that I strive for, but fruits of my Surrender to the Lord.

LOVE: here I was thinking "yeah, I got this one down - I love people". But guess what? As I said in a previous post - I didn't love myself. I wasn't allowing the Spirit to give me this fruit because of self-disgust over my weight. Now in surrender I am able to love others and myself. I think this is more what God has in mind.

JOY: I expressed joy to others, but because of depression I did not live in joy. What a dichotomy! As the fog of depression lifts, I am finding joy in loving the Lord - not for the sake of anything other than pure love for him and his restoration power.

PEACE: As long as I felt "out of control" or unworthy of love, I had no peace. I felt peaceful in certain situations, and lived as a peace-keeper, but I did not know the peace that passses understanding when it came to my life. I'm starting to feel that peace that comes as a fruit of the Spirit. A calmness in the depths of my sould that I can't explain - other than it started when I surrendered.

PATIENCE: My old mantra: "I want to give up overeating RIGHT NOW" - and the minute I ate something that caused guilt - I considered myself a failure. My new mantra: "One day at a Time, surrendered to God". I don't know what tomorrow brings, but I know that in this moment I am patient in knowing that God knows.

KINDNESS: Again, kind to others, but cruel to myself. I'm learning to love me and I'm finding myself being so much more kind to myself. That self-critical "voice" seems to be muted. And when it pops up I'm able to turn to the truths of God and it is muted again.

GOODNESS: Followed the Spirit's leading on removing things from my life not pleasing to God... EXCEPT overeating and abusing my body with food. God doesn't stop working on us - we are continually being refined. Partial obedience is disobedience in God's eye's - I was fooling myself to think he would overlook an area of something not pleasing to him.

GENTLENESS: I have been told I have such a gentle nature. Sure, that was true, except for my own self-talk. I was brutal to myself.

FAITHFULNESS: Oh I *thought* I was exhibiting faithfulness. But God revealed to me that I was turning from my faith in not surrendering an area of my life that kept me from him. It is my faith that brought me to the truth, that led me to reveal my weakeness publicly. In my weakness, he is strong and to him be the glory!

SELF-CONTROL: I like to think of it as "Spirit-Control". One day at a time, friends, one day at a time.

ONWARD!

Instrument Rating

On our drive to school this morning, Meg asked "Mom how do planes fly in fog like this?" It was very thick around the lake - from our side we couldn't see the homes on the other side. I explained that some pilots take extra training and receive an Instrument Rating allowing them to fly their plane using the instruments only.

She asked how that works, and as I was explaining, I realized that the fog and the image of flying by instruments is a lot like my journey with my health. Basically, when everything is going well in life, and I don't have weight issues it is like flying on a sunny day. I cruise along, checking familiar landmarks to get my bearings, soaring above any troubles. But when the fog of life settles in and I can't find my way, I have to rely on my instruments - the power of the Holy Spirit!

In the last year as I struggled with escalating weight, compulsive overeating and the depression that ensued, I was feeling that fog start to envelope me. It kept me from seeing God's love for me, eventually leading to self-hatred of my body. It was a viscious cycle - the heavier I became the more I felt like I was flying in a fog - but without instruments.

On that day last month when I asked for the Lord's help and made my journey public, I received my Instrument Rating! I received the tools I needed to navigate through being overwhelmed by my weight issues - the power and guidance of the Holy Spirit. He showed me how to surrender, to love my body, and to trust him. I turn to my "instruments" at least daily (sometimes minute-to-minute) to make sure I continue to fly through the fog.

The best news: the fog is lifting! I've trusted the Lord, relied on Him and each day seems easier than the one before. I do still get caught off guard by unexpected pockets of thick fog - this weekend for instance, Dave made cookies for the rowing club. I didn't have the desire to eat one, but on one pass through the kitchen I almost reached for one! I realized that my grazing habit was rearing its ugly head. Unlike so many years past, however, I immediately recognized the impulse to unconsciously reach for the cookie and didn't take one! Victory! Safe Landing with Instruments!

Onward!

Number update

This morning the scale read 204! That's 12 pounds down since that fateful 216# day!

I give God all the glory, there is no way I could have done it myself.

All things are possible through Christ!