Not perfect, yet perfect

Carmelita got some grocery shopping done the other day.  She brought home the yummiest apples. 

I tossed an apple in my lunch last week.  When I got to work, I put my apple on my desk.  I glanced over and my apple looked like the leaning tower of Pisa!  It was clear that this fruit had grown around some obstacle on the tree.  It didn't stand straight.  It wasn't the picture-perfect apple for the teacher.  While its color was vibrant and it looked fresh, it seemed to be a forlorn little fruit that didn't look like all the others.  I'm sure some might have cast it off as imperfect, but there was something to love about that Malus pumila!

Lunch time arrived and I bit into my sweet treat.   This was the most crisp apple I had ever bitten into!  Bite after bite make a loud crunchy sound.  As I bit into the fruit its juices would drip and spray.  My fingers became a sticky mess,  but I didn't care - every bite was a bit of apple heaven. 

As I got closer to the core I forgot all about Mr Fuji's crooked spine.  I lost sight of the fact that this apple wasn't perfect, because it was!  And then I got to thinking about how much we are like that sweet, sweet apple.

Many of us (Carmelita and me included) have had to overcome obstacles in our lives.  For some of us the obstacles were huge, for others they were just minor bumps in the road.  For most, we have had a mixture of the two and everything in between.  I can speak for myself when I say that often I am my own biggest obstacle!   But my little apple break taught me something that day.

No matter how broken, or damaged, or disfigured we become by life, what we give to the world can still be sweet.  In fact, I would argue to say, sweeter!   That little apple could have fallen from the tree when it had to grow around something, but it didn't.  It continued to grow in spite of a crooked core.  It matured and overcame the obstacle to provide me with nourishment (and this blog post!).

As is with us - we could just give up.  We could give in to life's difficulties.  But it is in the growing around the obstacles (note the key word GROWING), that our lives become sweeter, more crisp and with more to give to the world.

God's word addresses this in Romans 5:3-4:

³Not only so, but we^[a] also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; ⁴perseverance, character; and character, hope.

What are your obstacles today?  How can you persevere and continue to grow in spite of them?  What sweet, sweet victory will it be when you do?  How much more will  you have to offer the world?    Sure, your "core" might look like this:

.... But your life will be sweeter and you will have HOPE to offer others. 

I'm sending Carmelita out for more apples.  After her nap. 

Where did you go, Carmelita?

I should be used to it by now, but sometimes our dear Carmelita just disappears.  Weeks go by and then she returns.  She's just not reliable.  

So much has happened since my last post.  I guess I've disappeared for a bit, too.  I guess I "get" Carmelita in that way - sometimes you just veer off course and neglect your duties.   That isn't always a bad thing.

These past few weeks have given me the opportunity to see God at work in amazing ways.   I have witnessed a miracle!  A true miracle!  Not the kind like getting a ticket to a sold out concert or having the bank tell you the mistake was theirs.  I'm talking there's no way to explain it other than God worked a miracle! 

You see, my girlfriend was told at 27 weeks into her pregnancy that her unborn son's brain had stopped developing somewhere around 20 weeks of age.  His prognosis was extremely dire - he wasn't expected to live more than a few minutes after birth.   A C-section was scheduled for September 29, 2010.  The operating room was filled with doctors and specialists and extra staff.   At 11:04am, Carson came into the world and let out a lusty cry that wasn't expected!  Today, 12 days later, he is at home with his family.  While his future is uncertain, the 12 days of life are a pure miracle for a baby whose physical condition indicated he would die within minutes of birth.  When I get the privilege of holding him I am in awe of what God has done!  Some say "the doctors must have been wrong", but tests after his birth confirm that his brain is not complete - one half is non-existent.  Doctors were right, he should not be alive and as well as he is.  But God makes miracles happen! 

Love you baby Carson! 

His little life has put so much into perspective for me.  I weigh so much against the fact that my friend was expecting to bury her baby by now, yet she has been given unexpected time with him.  Who am I then, to complain about the job I have that provides my family with insurance, or about 5 pounds that have seemed to have crept back into my life?  Do I really need to be so sad that part of my family lives so far away, when my friend doesn't know if her baby will still be here tomorrow?  Little Carson has helped me to treasure all I have been given, to keep things in proper perspective and to cherish every moment of life as a gift.   And he is only 12 days old!  Whether his life ends up being short or long, I truly believe he has already filled a Godly purpose here on earth.    What a miracle. 

Have you discovered your purpose?  Do you know why you're here? 

Years ago I had an opportunity to write my personal mission statement:

• "To encourage and inspire others to seek and know the Truth, and to delight in the Joy of knowing the Lord"

This has become the compass by which I work to direct my life.  When opportunities arise for me, I gauge whether it fits with my mission before saying "yes".   And sometimes, it is clear something is a "no" when I weigh it against my statement.   There are times when I neglect to think about this and that is usually when I end up over-committed and overwhelmed with life.  

Carmelita would do well to have a mission statement! Maybe then my dishes would always be done and the house would be tidy all the time! :)

Living on purpose.

I wish Carmelita was a massage therapist. Just feeling the "need" for a neck massage after a long day at work.

Got to thinking about the work I do. Is this the career path I was thinking of when I endured Nursing School? What is it that gets me out of bed and down the road to my place of employment each day? Is it just the paycheck? Is it because the work itself is rewarding? Was I coming up with all these questions because I had too much caffeine this morning?

As I went from one meeting to another today, I walked through the Middle School campus during lunch today. As I walked through, I was swarmed by the kids who know me ... "Nurse Ann! Nurse Ann!".... At one point I had about 10 girls around me each popping in with a question or comment. As I asked each one how their summer was or how school was going, and as I looked into their young faces and sweet eyes, I knew I was being given a look at my purpose in working there. It wasn't about coordinating health care for kids or talking with doctors about medications. It wasn't about teaching CPR and First Aid to staff members. I was overwhelmed that I was looking at my primary mission for being a school nurse: Connection with young lives.

It is an incredible privilege to be able to love my students. I have become quite aware that many of them have really tough lives. There are times where I am given the opportunity to be the only one to ever show them they are worthy of love. I might be the only one to ever show them that love! Certainly for many, I am the only person who may ever show them Jesus. It nearly brings me to tears to know that God has given me this incredible mission. He has entrusted to me these amazing young people. I get to see them and love them and teach them that they have greatness in them.

I'm grateful for my job for what it provides for my family - money, benefits, a great schedule that keeps me home in the summer. I am humbled by God's purpose for me to be there. What a privilege. What a joy.

Tonight's dinner

If there's one thing Carmelita knows, it is food. And tonight we're having some comfort food goodness called Chicken Spaghetti. Remember, "comfort food" usually means "not healthy, but really yummy food" and tonight is no different.

Here's the recipe:

Chicken Spaghetti

6 chicken breasts
2 cans Rotel undrained
1 can Cream of Chicken soup undiluted
16oz Velveeta cheese
Salt and Pepper to taste

Place chicken, Rotel and soup in crockpot and cook all day on low.

About 30 minutes before dinner time, cook spaghetti noodles. At same time, cut Velveeta into cubes and add to crock pot to melt. After Velveeta melts, mix chicken mixture with noodles. If you like things a little spicier, you can add cayenne pepper or tabasco sauce to the mixture.

Pour into greased baking pan and bake for 20 minutes at 350.

Thanks Carmelita!

That Carmelita.

My husband Dave and I have a housekeeper named Carmelita. She has been with us for as long as we can remember. She is not a very good housekeeper, unfortunately. In fact, she is quite lazy.

There have been many times over the years that we decided to fire Carmelita. She doesn't keep things clean, she never gets the laundry done. We've often discovered that she just sits around eating BonBons and watching Oprah. Yet, we just don't have the heart to let her go.

She is such a part of our lives. The kids have grown to love her as much as we do! Even though she does the worst job on their bedrooms (I think she may be afraid to go in there), even they don't want us to fire her.

I wish I had a photo of her to post here, but I guess we've never taken one. She is a bit camera shy, likely due to her weight issues. Poor thing is quite large. I think it is all the BonBons and sitting around.

Carmelita has been married a few times. Not sure what that is about, but Dave and I suspect she is on her 4th or 5th husband. We aren't even sure which child goes with which daddy! I forgot to mention, Carmelita has 7 kids. No wait, I think its 8 now.

One thing I should let you know about - Carmelita is imaginary. She is and always has been our scape goat for a messy house. You see, when the house gets out of hand we say "That Carmelita, she's fired" or "Dang lazy housekeeper, what was she doing, eating BonBons and watching Oprah all day?".

Hey, don't scoff, it helps us cope. Life is busy, houses get messy and who has the energy to keep up with it all? Certainly not Carmelita!

Battlefield of the Mind

From the beginning of this journey I've talked about how I have had to shift my thinking. I created a paradigm shift from hating how I look to loving myself as I am. It was life-changing! I felt I had slayed the giant - my mind.

However, I've learned as the months have gone by that while I overcame the dislike of my body, my mind is still actively at battle. I can look in the mirror and say "I love my body", yet when I look at a number on the scale the battle rages! I am astonished at how that number affects me.

I do continue to weigh myself daily. I know there are several schools of thought on that practice, however for me, stepping on the scale daily keeps me accountable to my daily eating behaviors.

Here's the amazing thing about my mind. In a range of just 4-5 pounds, my mind can have a raging battle! Example: at one point I was weighing 196 pounds, the next day 195, the next 196. But then the next day, the scale dropped to 192. You might think that would be cause for rejoicing... but no, the battle raged and immediately I thought something must be wrong with me to lose so much so fast. I spent the entire day thinking "how can that be" (and yes I weighed myself 3 times to check). I worried that maybe my weight loss has been a fairly easy road because some medical condition is making me lose weight. Yet, as quickly as I started having those thoughts, the next day my weight was 195, then the next 196. When I hit 196, I was immediately thinking (again) "I'm never going to lose this weight" and "I'm probably going to be 200 pounds the rest of my life" and "I am failing".... UGH!

Several years ago I did a Bible study with several other women with Joyce Meyers' "Battlefield of the Mind". This study taught me that I am not alone in allowing my thoughts to run rampant. It is a signal to me that I am not letting God be in complete control, and that I am hanging on tightly to anxiety and worry instead of full submission.

So for the last few weeks since this started, I've been asking the Lord to help me avoid the battlefield of thoughts. It has been working. I have asked him to give me the courage to rejoice over weight loss, and to accept any weight gain. I've learned to look at the actual reasons behind weight fluctuations instead of letting my mind take over. The Lord has given me the strength to accept backslides and the ability to rejoice when the numbers go down - thanking HIM for the changes, no matter what they are.

There is one thing I know about myself. Staying away from the battlefield is a daily (sometimes hourly!) process. Each day I must ask God for the strength, for his power to ovecome. Each day is new, and each day I am given all I need from God who loves me - no matter the number on the scale!

So, then what happened?

The rest of the story is what most of you know. I went back to college and graduated. I travelled a bit and worked for awhile. I met a wonderful man to whom I've been married for 20 years. I went back to school early in our marriage and became an RN. We have been blessed with 2 amazing kids and have a beautiful home. And yet, with all that, and although by appearance I seemed fine, something was not right for me - I struggled with depression, anxiety and compulsive overeating over the years.





It was within the last year's time - after 2 years of counseling - that I discovered that the adoption is part of why I eat to bury emotions. Heck, it was in the process of counseling that I discovered that those deeply hidden emotions even existed! I still do not consider my choice a "bad thing" that happened to me. Far from it! The part where I began to bury things is rooted in the fact that it was all veiled in secrecy. Never being able to talk or share about an event of such magnitude was detrimental to me, even though I wasn't aware of it.





As I look back over the last decades, I think my pain began to affect me when my own children came along. I think my "mommy heart" subconsciously realized that having had a child before and allowing them to be adopted was actually painful, something that was deserving of a proper grief time. And yet, in the amazing moments of becoming a parent and being so happy to have my own children, it was automatic to stuff that pain and grief away. After all, I had moved on, I had a wonderful life! (I did, and I still do!)





So in the 16 1/2 years since I became a mom, blessed with 2 amazing children, I have kept an unidentified emotion tucked deep and far away. It started to manifest itself in depression followed shortly after by compulsive overeating. And, it wasn'tuntil I decided that I had had enough with depression and enough with abusing food, that I discovered the pain hidden so far away within my being. I've worked through that pain - from being unaware, to identifying it, to letting my real emotions over the event to surface, to the joy of sharing the "secret" with my children (yes it was a joy - to have a secret from them was destroying me), to hope of one day reuniting with that child, to finding freedom from the pain after 28+ years.



Freedom has given me strength. Freedom has given me hope. Freedom has allowed me to love myself again. Freedom is letting me discover who I am. Freedom is bringing me closer to God. It is such a blessing to be free.



Onward!